The Compatibility Code: Unlocking your Relationships Using the Enneagram
Stop internalizing. Start undertanding.
Real Talk: Relationships are hard.
There’s no manual for how to gently tell your partner you sometimes feel invisible, how to explain to your boss that their feedback leaves you in tears, or how to let your best friend know that inviting five others to your one-on-one hangout really hurt your feelings.
If you find yourself catastrophizing past conversations and replaying painful scenarios, beating yourself up about what you could have done better instead of telling your boss that your eyes welled up because of allergies, or hiding behind a mask instead of saying what you mean, the Enneagram could be the “clear is kind” communication tool for you.
I have used the Enneagram to help hundreds of coaching clients who are looking to communicate more effectively at work and at home. I have even worked with couples to build connection and learn to communicate with clarity and kindness. The secret? Understanding your motivation and the motivation of those around you.
When the Helper Meets the Controller: A Workplace Story
Picture this: Your manager is a Type 8 (the controller) and you are a Type 2 (the helper). Your manager values efficiency, action, and bold choices. You value descriptive prose, feelings, and time and before you leap into action. When it comes to feedback, your manager delivers it in a single, heavy sentence. When you give feedback, you start with an appetizer of compliments, a main course of light (yet constructive) criticism and end with a dessert of appreciation. It’s like communicating with a string and a can. Neither side hears each other, people get frustrated, feelings are hurt.
So how do YOU avoid a post meeting meltdown? And how does your manager learn to soften their delivery? You have to meet each other where you are at. Learn each other’s Enneagram type.
AND If you can’t have the Enneagram conversation with your manager, you can at least learn how to depersonalize the feedback and recognize that it is not about you. (even if you so desperately want it to be)
Below you will find ways to communicate effectively with each type and how to depersonalize their response so it becomes about them, not you. (Unless you really need a wake-up call, just own it.)
Your Enneagram Communication Breakdown by Type:
See below to go from “why are they doing this to me” to “this is how they are wired”.
Type 1 Perfectionist (Motivation is to do the right thing)
How to communicate with a Type 1: Be clear, respectful, and logical. Show that you value integrity
How to depersonalize: Their criticism often comes from their inner critic being 10x louder. It's not just about you, it’s about their need for improvement and order.
Type 2 Helper (Motivation is to be liked and appreciated)
How to communicate with a Type 2: Appreciate their efforts, ask how they are doing (they are often too busy being in service to everyone else).
How to depersonalize: If they seem wounded or over involved, it's usually not manipulation, it’s their way of feeling worthy. (They feel best when needed)
Type 3 Achiever (Motivation is to succeed)
How to communicate with a Type 3: Be efficient, direct, and acknowledge their success.
How to depersonalize: If they seem overly polished or detached, it’s often because they can’t access their feelings. They are not rejecting you, just subconsciously protecting their image.
Type 4 Creative (Motivation is to be unique)
How to communicate with a Type 4: Check in with their feelings, be authentic and validate their unique perspective.
How to depersonalize: Mood swings or withdrawal usually reflect their internal emotional landscape, it is hard for them to embrace levity. It is not something you did wrong.
Type 5 Specialist (Motivation is to understand)
How to communicate with a Type 5: Give them space, be concise, and use logic to express your needs.
How to depersonalize: They process their emotions in a silo. Silence doesn’t mean disinterest, it’s how they process and protect their energy. Give them space to come back to you.
Type 6 Loyalist (Motivation is to feel safe )
How to communicate with a Type 6: Be consistent, clarify the magnitude of the scenario, and invite questions.
How to depersonalize: Doubt or questioning isn’t personal, it’s their way of managing anxiety and building trust. Give them the time they need.
Type 7 Enthusiast (Motivation is to experience it all)
How to communicate with a Type 7:Keep it optimistic, match their energy, be solutions-focused, and future-oriented.
How to depersonalize: If they have a hard time committing or sitting in the details, it's usually their fear of being confined or stuck in the ordinary. It is their issue, not yours.
Type 8 Controller (Motivation is to be in control)
How to communicate with a Type 8: Be direct, strong, and honest. Don’t sugarcoat. Meet them where they are at.
How to depersonalize: Intensity is not meant to be aggression. They test loyalty and respect through truth telling and efficiency.
Type 9 Peacekeeper (Motivation is to be in harmony)
How to communicate with a Type 9: Be calm, non-confrontational, and affirming. Invite their input.
How to depersonalize: Avoidance doesn’t mean they don’t care, it’s a fear of conflict. They would rather be neutral than risk hurting the relationship.
Enneagram Relationship Edits:
Eager for a different type of date night? Shut down your screens, fix your favorite drink and try this conversation card deck from Wilde House. A night of authentic connection is THE best gift for an Enneagram 2 or 4.
Want to connect with your favorite Enneagram 3? Pick up this adorable tennis skirt from Alo for a friendly yet competitive game of tennis followed by a refreshing Aperol Spritz.
Looking for new ways to have a conversation with your partner about the division of domestic labor? Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play is a must read. Perfect for those Enneagram types who like to explore all options and make a plan before committing. (Talking to you, Enneagram 6!)
If you are new to the Enneagram:
The Enneagram measures motivation. Why you do the things you do. The Enneagram doesn’t tell you who you are. It shows you how you’ve been surviving, and what it’ll take to actually thrive. It is your default behavior, your blindspots, and your unconscious habits that get in the way of what you truly want.
Learn about the Enneagram:
Take a free test
Read type descriptions
Book an Enneagram Session
Learn about Team Building with Ali
This week’s challenge:
In the heat of a tense conversation, whether at work or home, take a breath, lead with curiosity and ask yourself: “Is this about me, or is this about how they are wired to respond under stress or habits?”
This simple reframe builds compassion and keeps communication flowing.
See you next week,
Ali